The Weasley Wizarding Wheezes
by Sar'Kalu
Summary: OneShot: Have you ever wondered what kind of chaos the twins brought with them when they were being sorted?


Two crimson heads bobbed through the crowd on Platform Nine and Three Quarters, pushing heavily laden trolleys, out of control one of the boys narrowly missed a dreadlocked boy and his mother. Crowing loudly the boy towards the front rocked his trolley trying to avoid the people crowding the station. The boys shouted apologies and laughed as they reached the middle of the station. The first wore a pair of jeans clearly too big for him; the hems of his jeans were ragged and wet from the rain and puddles that he had splashed through. Ragged jeans boy also wore a knitted woollen sweater featuring a large yellow G on it. The second boy, an identical copy of the other wore a similar sweater with a large yellow F emblazoned on it, his shorts ragged and scorched from some kind of explosions.

"Come on George," yelled the F-sweater Twin, "Don't want to be late!"

"I know Fred," grinned the G-sweater twin, flicking longish hair out of his eyes. He tugged the waistband of his jeans up wards, causing his pants legs to drip muddy water. Fred was wrestling with his trunk, the peeling letters F.W inscribed upon it. George leapt forward to help his twin, subsequently causing his too big jeans to slide down his bottom.

"Fred and George Weasley, stop right where you are!" yelled a plump woman. The twins stopped lifting Georges' trunk onto the train and turned around with identical looks of innocence on their faces. Mrs Weasley fixed them with a stern stare, behind her was a tall thin balding man, and two elder teens one with long hair, the other with a similar sweater as the teens except for a letter he had a flaming dragon. A third boy stood behind his elder brothers, he had horn rimmed glasses that were polished so the winked in the sunlight.

"Hello Mum!" said Fred, looking for the entire world like he'd just noticed her. "Brilliant to see you here mum!" Fred grinned and grabbed her hand, pumping it up and down in an enthusiastic shake.

"Hello Dad!" George said, mimicking Fred's actions stepped forward and grabbed his father's hand and shaking it enthusiastically. "Fred and I are going to find a compartment to sit in,"

"We'll meet you back here," Fred grinned as he hurried back to Georges' trunk.

"Real soon!" George finished. And with that George followed his twin and together they hoisted their trunks up onto the train; leaving their mother behind them gobsmacked with amazement. Mrs Weasley shared a look of suspicion with her husband before turning to her other boys.

George looked at Fred, "You ready brother?" George grinned as he opened up his trunk; in it were various items of dubious nature. George pulled out a bucket and held it out to his brother.

"You know I am!" Fred said enthusiastically. The twins shared looks of pure diabolicalness and went from compartment to compartment setting up whoopee cushions, buckets of slime over doorways, magically enlarging mice, and trick sweets. When they had finished pranking half the train they set their trunks up in one of the few prank free compartments, before setting up a large and very realistic spider that would drop on anyone who tried to enter, and quickly left the train to join their parents.

"There you are!" their mother exclaimed, "Have you got everything?" She fixed them with a glare, "Now, what have you two been up to?"

"Nothing Mum," they said with complete innocence.

"Now please remember to be good, and don't give your professors any trouble" she said worriedly. "I don't want any owls in your first week!" She said to them.

Their father smiled, "I'm sure they'll be perfectly good. I'm sure they wouldn't try anything on their first day." Mr Weasley winked at them, "Isn't that correct boys?" He raised an eyebrow

Fred and George looked at each other and then at their father, and shook their heads wide eyed in faux innocence.

"Good boys, after all, should an owl appear there may be no Quidditch for them next year." their father smiled at them with meaning, and their mother relaxed in relief, knowing that her twin boys would be less likely to do anything if they had a threat like that hanging over their heads. The twins looked mutinously at their father for a moment before muttering their agreement.

The train whistled a warning of imminent departure. "Oh quick boys, hurry!" Mrs Weasley said, as she ushered them onto the train, reminding them to "ask Percy for help if you need it," she gestured to to their older brother who was repolishing his glasses for the fifth time that morning. Percy regarded his brothers with distaste, clearly remembering their prank of switching his Hogwarts: A History with a PlayWizard magazine they'd found under their elder brother Bill's bed. The ensuing ruckus had cause Percy to try and hex their fingers together. "Or Bill or Charlie will help too I'm sure. Where have they got to?" She craned her neck around looking for her eldest boys. "They were here a minute ago." Fred and George rolled their eyes at her.

"Mum," they said, "We'll be fine!" The twins looked at Percy and smirked at him, "Don't worry Perce, we won't bother you, can't have our Prefect-In-The-Making looking after his younger brothers, who might get very lost, or hurt." They looked at Percy with puppy dog eyes. Percy looked at them doubtfully, knowing that they were pulling his leg, but unable to deny help when it was asked, however unlikely that the twins would need it. Sighing, Percy grabbed the twins shoulders and shoved them towards the train. He turned to his mother.

"Mum, Charlie left to go discuss Quidditch with his friends, and Bill is hooking up with Celia Pearl in 6th year." Percy said, as he straightened his robes stiffly. "I'll let both Bill and Charlie know that Fred and George might need help, and that their to aid the twins." Percy said this sceptically, he was certain that if there were any people who didn't need help, it would be Fred and George Weasley.

"Oh, of course." His mother looked bewildered. "How long have Bill and- what was her name?"

"Celia."

"Oh yes, Celia. How long?" Mrs Weasley enquired again, she liked to keep track of what each of her sons was up too. This news about Bill didn't entirely surprise her, her son was very good looking and he often was going out with a girl or two, much to her horror. She'd tried talking to him, but like any teenage boy, he refused to listen. She sighed.

"2 months?" Percy shrugged, "I'm not sure, sorry Mum, and he doesn't tell me these things." He looked at Fred and George who were whispering conspiratorially together, he didn't like the look of the expressions on their faces.

The flustered witch nodded her head. "Of course, of course." She looked for her husband, "Arthur! Come and say goodbye!' She cried. Her husband stopped talking to his colleague and came over as the train blew another whistle. "Hurry!"

"Bye boys, behave yourselves!" Mr. Weasley said, "Quickly Molly, they don't have much time."

Mrs. Weasley gave her three youngest boys hugs, "I'm sorry boys, but we have to go, we left Ron and Ginny with Aunty Muriel, and you know what happened last time, where Ron got Bertie Botts beans I'll never know, took us forever to reassure Aunty Muriel that her tea wasn't off and was only peppermint and vomit flavoured." Mrs Weasley looked at her three youngest sons able to go to Hogwarts; all of them were repressing a smile. "Goodbye boys, be good!" Together Molly and Arthur stepped back and dashed out through the barrier.

Fred and George stared after them, before shrugging and going to find their compartment. As they walked past another group of students, they watched their victims golden robes turn to a muddy green as the fifth year Hufflepuff students were drenched in slime, one student ended up wearing the slime bucket as a hat. Fred and George chuckled in amusement.

"Fetching hat. Suits him." Fred laughed. George wasn't able to utter anything he was laughing too hard.

"Fred, George, you didn't?" Percy asked horrified. He looked warily at the twins.

"It wasn't us Perce!" Fred protested as George nodded his head violently in agreement his eyes wide with innocence. "we wouldn't dare do that!" George nodded, still shaking with paroxysms of laughter.

Percy sniffed in disapproval. "Of course," his voice dripped with sarcasm. With that, he stalked off to find his third year friends, his shoulders stiff. "I'll be owling Mum and Dad you know!" Percy said over his shoulder, as he walked away.

"I think that went well, Fred," George commented. He ginned at his twin, rolling his eyes at another group of students, this time in Slytherin green shrieking in terror at a magically enlarged mouse.

"I know what you mean, George," Fred said, as he watched with interest as a mixed group of Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs try and evade both a mouse and a bucket of slime. "I don't remember double pranking that compartment." Fred mused. George shrugged.

"I can't believe Percy is going to rat us out, this is pretty funny," George muttered, as he was shoved aside as two Slytherin seventh years ran past screaming, their hair bright orange and dripping.

"Percy is such a stick in the mud." Fred agreed.

"How he is a Weasley?"

"We'll never know." Fred shook his head sadly, stepping around a fainted Gryffindor, a fake spider sitting on her chest, clicking its rubber pincers ominously.

"It just doesn't make-"

"-Any sense at all" They finished and nodded in complete agreement. Reaching their compartment, they found the boy they had almost run over in it, both boys ginned at him, amused that the dreadlocked boy was sitting on the seat watching London go past, the fake spider cradled in his hands.

"Hello," said George, "I'm Fred Weasley." George held out a hand to shake.

"And I'm George Weasley," Fred said, mimicking his brother and both boys grabbed the dreadlocked boys hands and shook them so hard that they almost bounced him out of the seat.

"Lee Jordan," the boy said, massaging his hands and shoulders. "Why are you wearing a jumper with an F on it, if you're called George?" he asked Fred.

"I have no idea. Did we get ourselves mixed up again Fred?" Fred asked George

"We must have George. Which means I must be George, and you must be Fred." George said

"No, I'm Gred and you're Forge!" Fred said clearly enjoying himself.

"What and excellent notion!" George exclaimed.

"I'm Gred and He's Forge, nice to meet you Lee!" George said

"I'm Forge and He's Gred, nice to meet you lee!" Fred grinned

Lee looked at the twins dazedly, "Okay." He looked from one to the other with uncertainty.

"Only joking," the twins laughed thoroughly enjoying themselves.

Fred winked, "I really am Fred!"

"And I really am George!" George grinned.

Lee smiled uncertainly, "Are you sure?"

"We're sure," The twins said in unison.

Lee grinned, "I hope you guys are in my house, you are funny." Lee struck a pose as he jumped up from his seat, "Gryffindor where the brave and heroic reside!"

"We know." Fred said, "Our whole family has been in Gryffindor."

"We are pranksters," continued George, looking at Fred to Lee.

"Jokesters," Fred interjected nodding firmly.

"Funny guys," Lee said rolling his eyes, he pantomimed zipping his mouth shut when the twins shot him a look.

"Will you," Fred said loudly

"Lee Jordan," George said louder still, trying to outdo Fred.

"Join us," Fred grinned at Lee

"In our pranking," George said also grinning widely

"Joking," Fred added, flicking a look at George who was having trouble not laughing.

"And general hilarity?" They asked, and both twins focussed their attention on Lee.

"Uh... Sure?" Lee said uncertain of what this might entail, looking from twin to twin

"Wicked!" The twins exclaimed together, grinning.

"So, what pranks have you got lined up for the start of term?" Lee asked cautiously.

"Oh nothing much, you'll see." Fred said blithely

"It's fairly simple," George winked

"You'll find it funny,"

"Should put everyone into a tickle,"

"Trust us!" The twins grinned deviously.

"You're going to get into trouble," Lee said, "aren't you?" Lee shook his head.

"Lee!" exclaimed George

"We didn't know you cared!" sniggered Fred.

"Well, you are my friends!" Lee said.

Fred and George grinned, "that we are!" and the three boys high fived

Lee smiled happily, "game of exploding snap?"

The three boys were well into their way of their fifth round when a seventh year burst into their compartment. He had long hair pulled into a pony tail and was wearing his robes already, a Head Boy badge pinned to his chest.

"Fred and George!" He raged, "How many compartments did you prank?"

Fred and George exchanged glances, "Was it three, Fred?" Asked George

"I think it might have been closer to ten, George," Fred disagreed

"Are you sure it wasn't closer to twenty?" snarled the seventh year

"Bill," Fred began

"Relax, none of the pranks,"

"Would have hurt anyone,"

"We know where to draw the line,"

"The pranks really are quite harmless,"

"A bit of slime,"

"A mouse or two,"

"Possibly-"

"Enough!" Bill yelled, "Term hasn't even started yet and you're already at it." He breathed in deeply, "please, just give it a rest. Please just settle in first, perhaps forswear all pranks, if you can?"

"We can't do that, Bill," Fred murmured, eyes downcast

"But we'll take what you've said into account." George said reassuringly.

"What happened?" Lee asked, unable to keep silent any longer

"A bucket of slime got a few first years, and I've had a right time trying to convince them that Hogwarts is safe and this stuff doesn't happen all of the time." Bill said wearily.

George blinked, "it was so tame though." He looked at Fred, "slime never hurt anyone."

Bill sighed, "yes, but these firsties are incredibly nervous."

Fred and George nodded in realisation. "We understand."

Bill regarded them silently, "good." He turned on his heel and walked out.

"Maybe we shouldn't have done that," Fred said nervously

"What does it matter?" George snorted

"But what about-?"

"Yes I know, but-"

"Ah I see, yes I-"

"Good" Fred nodded in agreement. George smirked.

Lee looked from twin to twin, then shrugged and guessed that it didn't matter.

"Let's get changed," he said, looking out at the dark sky. Fred and George nodded. The train slowed to a stop as the boys put the finishing touched on to their robes. They looked neat and presentable in their second hand uniforms, past down from Bill to Charlie to Percy and now to them.

"Looking good, Fred," George winked

"Why thank you George," Fred grinned, "Lee looks good too." The twins turned and grinned at the dreadlocked boy.

Lee stood and bowed theatrically, "Thank you, thank you." He felt completely at ease with the twins now, he knew that they weren't mean or harsh and were just joking with him.

* * *

The three friends jumped down from the carriage to the station, and followed the other first years to the boats. Climbing in carefully, Lee squawked a bit when the twins rocked the boat a bit. They sat in awe as they passed under the castle and into a little harbour. They walked up the marble stair case, chattering about how they might be sorted. Fred claimed they had to fight a troll, while George disputed this saying they had to defeat the headmaster in a trial of battle. The boys were so loud that they had most of the muggle borns and half bloods certain that they were correct in at least one theory. Lee was close to wetting his pants, he was so scared. But he managed to laugh along with the twins and joke about what was coming up. The first years halted at the top of the stairs, where a tall thin severe looking witch stood. She was dressed in emerald robes, and had a thin lipped annoyed look on her face.

"What, may I ask, took you so long?" She regarded them severely.

A short boy with blonde hair looked at her and whimpered, his friend beside him looked at her in terror.

"Sorry miss," a tall girl with long sleek brown hair said, "But everyone's so scared about the sorting, no one here can defeat a troll or the headmaster." She gulped.

"My name is Professor McGonagall, I am the deputy headmistress of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry." She regarded the girl silently, "And what, exactly is this talk of fighting trolls or Professor Dumbledore?"

"Them," The girl said pointing at Fred and George, "they said we had to fight a troll."

"Young men, what is the meaning of this?" McGonagall asked.

"Us?" Fred protested

"It wasn't us Professor." George added.

"We were only speculating,"

"On how we COULD,"

"Be sorted,"

"Not how we actually are," The twins said, looking quite innocent

"What are your names?" McGonagall asked.

"I'm Fred Weasley," George said

"And I'm George Weasley," Fred said cheerfully

"No you're not," Lee interrupted, "That's Fred," he said pointing at Fred, "and the others George," Lee chuckled.

"And you are?" McGonagall asked

"Lee Jordan," Lee swept a bow

"Thank you Mr. Jordan." McGonagall said. She shook her head; she was completely confused and couldn't help but think that these Weasley boys might be more trouble than they were worth.

"Welcome," she said finally, "To Hogwarts, to all of you. There are four houses, Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and Slytherin." She shot the Weasley twins a look as they hissed at Slytherins mention. "Follow me please; all this nonsense has made you late for the ceremony." With that she strode down the hallway, and through a door. The first years scuttled after her, trying to keep up. They emerged, into a large hall, through which they entered a larger hall again, its roof hidden by swirling clouds; thousands of floating candles illuminated the space. Four long tables divided up the hall, one dressed in red, another yellow, another again in blue and the final one in green. There were hundreds of students there, but the chatter ceased as the first years walked in.

"Stop along here please," McGonagall said sharply, and she pulled out a thick scroll, and unrolled it. Beside her sat a tall ragged hat. Stepping back swiftly, McGonagall gave her full attention to it. The brim of the hat twitched, and to the surprise of the new students, it began to sing. Fred tuned out, and nudged George. George looked at Fred and grinned. Rolling his eyes at the head table Fred smirked. George nodded enthusiastically.

"If I can have your attention please, the sorting will begin now." McGonagall paused, "Rodger Davies." Rodger, a dark haired blue eyed boy, stepped out nervously, and walked up to the stool, McGonagall placed the hat upon his head.

"Ravenclaw!" the hat shouted

"Cedric Diggory!"

A tall boy with windswept hair and a handsome face walked confidently up to the hat.

"Hufflepuff!" a few of the girls wolf whistled the extremely attractive first year, who ginned happily and slid onto a seat beside the Hufflepuff prefects.

"Susan Henessey"

Susan scuttled up to the hat, tripping on her too long robes and slid onto the stool, when the hat touched her head she flinched.

"Hufflepuff!" the hat yelled out, to the yellow clad tables delight.

Fred once again tuned out and noticed George was looking at the Gryffindor table, where Bill and Charlie gave them the thumbs up. Fred and George grinned. They looked up as "Lee Jordan" was called out.

"Gryffindor" The hat yelled. The red clad students cheered and whooped.

George watched as Lee stumbled slightly and joined the red table. He grinned at him as Alicia Spinnet sat on the stool. Fred nudged him. Alicia had been the girl to speak up and blame them for scaring the other first years. Alicia they noticed was sorted into Gryffindor. The twins grinned.

"Fredrick Weasley," McGonagall said. Fred looked at George and winked. George nodded.

George stepped out, "Oi!" Fred said, "You're not Fred, I am!"

"No you're not, I'm Fred!" George said

"I'm Fred, and you're George!"

"No," George grinned, "I'm Fred and you're George!"

"I'm Fred," Fred said, and ran to the stool; George dashed after him and snatched at the hat missing by inches. "See? I'm Fred!" Fred grinned, knowing that the whole of the student body was watching them.

"No you're not! You're Gred! I'm Forge!" George said triumphantly, as he made a show of snatching at the hat.

"Exactly, I'm Gred and you're Forge," Fred agreed, and went to shove the hat on his head, and was forced to bend down due to George tugging it from him.

"I'm Forge! Forge is before Gred!" George yelled, and he tugged roughly on the hat, causing Fred to stumble forward.

"Not it's not," Fred argued, and grinned at his brother as they both tugged on the hat, trying to put it on their heads at the same time. The hat was stretched and tugged as both boys tried to manoeuvre under the hat.

"I say," The hat said, "please don't rip me!" as it finally spoke up, at the mercy of two twin eleven year old boys.

"We won't," the twins chorused, before resuming their struggle of being the first to be sorted,

"I still say, that I'm first." George said, and tugged the hat on his head

"No you're not! I am!" Fred said, and he tugged the hat towards his head.

"Gryffindor!" The Sorting Hat shrieked, "You're both in Gryffindor! Now leave me alone!"

The hall, which had been waiting with bated breath for the resolution of this act, burst into applause as the Weasley twins bowed and flourished the hat.

"Yes, yes, bravo, bravo," McGonagall said, and hurried them off the stage.

"Professor?" Fred said

"Yes Mr. Weasley?" McGonagall asked wearily, looking at him with suspicion.

"Do you want the Sorting Hat back?" George asked innocently, holding out the bedraggled and now slightly stretched hat.

"Yes." She said stiffly. Taking the hat from him she swept out of the Great Hall with both hat and stool.

"That was bloody brilliant!" Lee exclaimed as the other first year Gryffindors grinned and congratulated them.

Fred and George bowed again. "Thank you Lee," George grinned.

"Which one are you?" asked a blonde haired boy, his eyes shining as he looked at them in awe

"George Weasley," George said grinning

"I'm Fred," Fred grinned, "you?"

"Kenneth Towler," The boy grinned, "quite some act you have there," He blinked in surprise as the plates before them filled with food.

"Lee Jordan," Lee said, to Kenneth. "You got a shortening of Kenneth?" He asked

Kenneth shook his head his mouth full of steak and kidney pie. He swallowed, "No, never had any close friends," He shrugged, "I was home schooled, and Mum said that if she wanted to call me Kenny she'd have named me Kenny." He grinned.

"Well _Kenny_," Fred stressed the nick name, "You're no longer at home, and,"

"Mummy dearest isn't here!" George finished, hi fiving his twin.

Kenneth blinked, "okay."

"You're going to have to get used to that, they finish each other's sentences a lot." Lee advised him.

"Why do I get a feeling you two are going to be trouble?" asked one of the girls, her mocha skin and dark hair exotic. She looked at them suspiciously. Fred and George just grinned, this year was going to be fun, and they had an entire school to prank and use as test subjects for their products.

"We're not, honest!" The grinned with faux innocence, already planning their next prank and adventure.


End file.
